...on being assertive
It can feel really hard to make positive changes. Things can feel over-whelming especially when mustering the confidence to put your opinions and thoughts out there. I don’t know about you, but at times I’ve felt vulnerable and sensitive to criticism. These types of feelings can manifest in lots of different aspects of our lives making it difficult to ask for what we want or assert our opinions. In light of current affairs, it feels important to start asking ourselves how comfortable we are with saying “no”.
let’s start by exploring some of these dynamics
People who experience sensitivity to other’s emotions can feel a stronger sense of responsibility in stressful situations – for example, feeling to blame and taking responsibility for a situation that others may shrug off as just a mistake. It can be that your knee-jerk reaction in these situations is to apologise when it is just not necessary. Separating out your voice from that of a friend or family member or a work colleague can seem impossible and leave you feeling isolated or overlooked. You may wonder why there are so many forthright people in your life with strong opinions or an assertive decision making style. And as a result, rely on them to steer you in the right direction when you actually have all the tools you need to come to decisions yourself.
Living with doubt or indecision can feel debilitating and lead to anxiety and depression. To cope with not feeling heard, we develop strategies to help us deal with not asserting our needs.
Examples: - It can feel easier to “just agree” or go along with someone else’s ideas or plans than it is to make your opinions and feelings heard.
Beliefs that other people’s opinions are more valid than yours can lead you to excuse yourself from asserting your own opinion and chose not to “rock the boat”.
Concerns around seeming “difficult” or “rude” can also come to the fore during these times leading us to agree with someone else’s point of view.
It maybe that you agree with someone else’s plan but quietly make up your mind to do your own thing as a way out of confrontation. This can actually lead to further difficulties and communication styles which are unsatisfying and toxic to healthy relationships.
We can tell ourselves that we don’t have strong opinions about a situation or that we are “easy going” and open to lots of different experiences when in matter of fact, we do have an opinion deep down which is not being expressed or realised.
Ending up in situations we do not want to be in can lead to resentment and feeling misunderstood or lonely.
Putting other’s first can feel like a noble and caring thing to do. However giving someone else the power to make decisions for us can result in a loss of confidence in our own ability to cope and to manage aspects of our lives. It can have an impact on our autonomy, self-agency and identity and allow us to stay stuck in situations that make us feel unsatisfied.
Having the confidence to assert your own ideas, values and sense of self can take practice but here are some simple steps to get started.
frame of reference
For starters, the key to being assertive is about taking time to know yourself and how you see the world. Asserting your needs is a communication skill people learn. These skills are built around our ideas about what’s achievable in the world and our impact on others. Whether we experience positive or negative outcomes from our decisions and behaviours contributes to how we feel about what’s possible in the future - kind of like a feedback loop.
For example, you’re in a bar and you see someone you’d like to meet. As you build up the courage to approach them, you realise they are wearing a wedding ring. You think “typical, the people I’m attracted to are always taken”.
The next time you are in a bar and you see someone you like, you think “I’ll not bother going over, they will probably be taken”.
Depending on how we frame these experiences can have an impact on our decisions in the future and possible missed opportunities.
There are a multitude of negative messages we tell ourselves about what we can achieve. Messages like:
“Typical, I never get what I want.”
“Life is hard.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“Other people will be better than I am.”
“What did I expect? Of course they said no.”
Once we start hearing and believing these messages, they become part of our frame of reference and impact on how we evaluate new circumstances. Seeing things from a negative view point in turn makes it very difficult to have the confidence to go for what we want because we start to group lots of different experiences in the same negative ways of thinking. This involves framing experiences with absolute words like “always” and “never”, e.g. “This always happens to me, I never get what I want”.
Understanding how your frame of reference impacts on the ways you feel about yourself, your decisions and interactions with others, is the first step to making small but important changes about how you view the opportunities which surround you. Have a think about the beliefs you have about yourself, the world and what is achievable. Write them down and once you have a list, write the counter messages to the things you have written. For example:
Negative Frame of Reference
Beliefs about me:
“Nothing good ever happens to me”
Beliefs about the world:
“The world is a hard place”
Beliefs about what is achievable:
“Other people achieve things, not me”
Positive Frame of Reference
Beliefs about me:
“Good things do happen to me”
Beliefs about the world:
“The world is what we make of it”
Beliefs about what is achievable:
“I can achieve the things I want”
internal dialogue – don’t be afraid of “I”
With this in mind, have a think about your impact on the people you are closest to. How do you think they would describe you? What would they say are your best qualities?
Are these positive qualities ways in which you would describe yourself? If not, why not? Sometimes we are our own worst critic.
For example, where you might define yourself as “quiet” or “having nothing relevant to add to a conversation”, others would describe you as a “great listener” and that you “always know the right things to say”. Where you would describe yourself as “indecisive” and “reliant on others”, the people closest to you would describe you as “very intuitive” and that you “consider decisions carefully”. Statements such as these show your ability to communicate empathically and be sensitive to the needs of others.
Begin to think about yourself in the terms other people would positively describe you. When you think of these descriptions, use “I” phrases. For example:
“I am very intuitive.”
“I am thoughtful.”
“I am worthwhile.”
“I am worth listening too.”
Once you’ve practiced saying these things to yourself, start using “I” phrases with other people. For example:
“I think…”
“I would like…”
“I will have…”
“I want…”
Start replacing the “you” in sentences with “I” when you are talking about your experience. For instance, instead of saying “you know when you are just so tired…” try saying “l am so tired…”.
taking space
Confidence comes from knowing yourself. This learning comes through experiencing what you are comfortable with and your ability to say “no” to things.
For example, what pastimes do you by yourself? Do you go for walks in the park? To the gym? Sit on your own in coffee shops? Or at the cinema?
Try pinpointing something you would feel OK doing. Find a comfortable place to be in that space. How do you feel? How is it to sit without looking at your phone? Can you take in the people around you? Is it OK to make eye contact with other people there? While you are there, repeat the positive “I” phrases to yourself, e.g.
“I am Intuitive.”
“I am worthwhile.”
“I deserve to be here.”
Acknowledge the things you are thinking about and if negative thoughts creep into your consciousness, counter them with a positive response. E.g. if you think - “I don’t deserve to give myself this time” counter this with “I deserve to be here and enjoy this time for me”.
practice
The more you do something the easier it becomes. This is true of the “I” phrases, being on your own in public places and the ability to assert your needs and shift your frame of reference.
Practice being in the places you feel comfortable. Make a list of why you like it. Why do you feel at ease there? How do you feel about yourself in that space? Have a think about other circumstances that do not feel quite as comfortable. What’s different about them? What negative thoughts would you have previously told yourself in these situations? Use the positive “I” phrases to counter these negative descriptions.
When you feel ready, practice the situations where being assertive and asking for your needs to be met has felt particularly difficult, taking into account that at first this will be challenging. Give yourself permission to take time to regain control if the situation feels stressful. Reflect on your own opinion, or question another person’s dominant point view. Just because they are confident in their beliefs does not mean their beliefs are right for you. If you do not feel your questions are being listened to, calmly repeat your request until it is acknowledged and responded to. When communicating in situations where you tend to feel intimidated, do not lead with an apology and use your positive internal dialogue to tell yourself that you can cope with what the situation brings.
If you would like help, support or guidance with anything raised in this blog or would like to seek proactive help on learning assertive skills, please do not hesitate to get in touch and we can have an initial chat about how this kind of work could benefit you.
